They Can't Seem To Stop...

My life have always been like this...

"Hey, we hate you. Why cant you understand that word??? We HATE you!!! Loser~!!! Yo, fatty! There's a monster walking the corridor."

And those piercing stares when I walked.
Those silent murmurs gossiping about how bad I am or how evil I am...
Those constant bullying...
Those constant lost of things...
Until it make me want to disappear and never be found again.
Until the end of time.

Maybe its my imagination.

But it seem to me, 

That is all what they want to tell or do to me after the known me.

It's really painful to be to be told like that every time.

I really don't know what my faults are...

I do have few friends that will stay friends with me.

But they also have their own problems.

So, I wont bother them much.

Because

By being my friend has already made their days worse than being drench by a car going through a puddle in front of you.

You know how that feels, right???

As of now, I cant seem to smile sincerely anymore.

I've lost my innocence in the middle of the war between dreams and realities.

I told myself that they were only joking and that they never meant those words

But in reality,

The crowd around me seems to decrease by the day...

It made me feel that I shouldn't even exist.

I don't want to live to just give others hardship.

I really do understand that if I were to kill myself.

There will be consequences and there are people who would grief for me while the rest will be glad.

Even now,

I struggle between those choices.

Should I stay or leave???

A friend of mine,
A very close friend of mine post a picture on my Facebook timeline.
I get what she's trying to say to me.
I really do.
But I really cant promise her that.
I know it sound like I'm giving up to fast.
I know it look stupid of me to not follow that advice.
But I just cant.
I know what her next sentence would be...
It would probably goes like this...

"You should pray for the strength to stand back on the ground. Pray to Allah so that he may bless you and give you peace that you've been longing. Ignore those baseless comment and strive forward"

I know,
In Allah,
I'll find every answer to my question.
But I just cant seem to do what you asked of me.

Here's a video I found,
It's content is almost and exactly how I felt all the time when people not looking except for the last part.
Because I haven't found my resolve to get out of my own miserable mess that bound me to be a depress and useless human to the eyes of those who judge me unfairly.
Enjoy...